And then. . .

because it's wednesday  because i want to   because there is no one to tell me i can't    because i love him      because i don't      because there isn't anything past "the end"       because i wish i could rewind        because it's hard to write about your life         because i always see things to the end           because to write is to see            because it's either yes or no             because my friends are there              because sometimes they aren't                because getting angry is easier than being sad                because smiling in a rainstorm is the only thing you can do                 because i...

today i purchased tickets to see the one and only Tom Petty. Tom Petty people!  okay perhaps i'm a little more excited than i should be, but i feel i need to stress the obsession i have with live music. i don't just like seeing musicians i love it. there is something beautiful and lovely from the beginning of that day to the end.  the day of the show has a certain buzz to it. whether i'm driving to another city or seeing someone local, there is a moment where the momentum of the buzz grows, a halo of electric excitement encompasses me and grows as the clock ticks closer to the time i step into the venue. even when i know that traffic and parking will inevitably be difficult, this is the only time i revel in the complications of a plethora of individuals all heading in the same direction. the pied piper is calling and we all heard the tune.  i want to stand in a crowd of people and sing and move until there is slick moisture covering my body. i want to sing out ...

This weekend someone said to me, "Don't turn yourself into a pretzel for someone." When I stared back confused they elaborated, "Sometimes when we meet people, we turn ourselves into what they want us to be, usually unintentionally, but we do, and by the time we realize it, it's too late. So, remember don't turn yourself into a pretzel for someone, anyone." This is an interesting idea for me because, how does one keep from losing themselves in anyone? The best example is a relationship, of course, but sometimes we lose ourselves in friendships, in workships, in any ships especially when they first set sail. Where do commonalities begin, and where do they morph into what we believe that individual wants/needs? How many times have we all feigned interest in what someone else is saying, when in all actuality we are simply waiting for our turn to speak? The worst I suppose is when you're in too deep and you realize you're already that pretzel....

Outside it was still. The air quiet except for the held breath being exhaled slowly from my lungs, to my mouth, and out of the lips I liked nervously. I stood at the bottom of the short cement staircase and moved my feet, first right, then left, with precision, determination. The two large wooden doors opened and the first sight that filled my line of vision made my body clench into it self, my stomach filled with only coffee, grew tight, solid. The long silver rectangle in front of me was surrounded by strangers, and yet the gaze I held with them for the instant I awkwardly shuffled in, made them intimately familiar. I quickly walked to a space in the back and sat, supported by the hard wooden pew.  As the mass began I searched the people in the small church. Sunlight streamed in through tall windows illuminating the dust motes that swam around the coffin, the people, me. The priest began the sermon his words short and clipped with their Spanish accent. The rhythm off, from the...