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the laugh

how many different kinds of laughs are there?

i know that i can laugh a fake laugh at almost anything. i have a nervous "what is going on here laugh" and then i have a "this really isn't funny but i'll show some teeth and giggle to appease this not funny person." i learned how to be good at this laugh.

there is my real laugh that is loud and unladylike. it comes out like a surprised bark and my mouth opens wide all my teeth show and anyone can see my tongue pulsing to the beat of my laughter. i laugh from the deep fissures of my belly and i snort sometimes but this feels good. sometimes i laugh so hard tears are squeezed out of my tightly squeezed eyes and i laugh so hard it hurts.  this laughter has been with me since the beginning.

in between these laughters i have many variations. i have the laughs that i've laughed at moments i didn't think i would ever laugh. the laughter i laughed bemusedly sorting through my grandma's belongings, the laughter i share with my monkey when she wraps her little arms tightly around my neck and my heart aches a little from happiness, the laugher i try to stifle when someone trips or falls and i turn red from holding it in, the laughter i can share with someone at the most inopportune moment; when his naked skin is against mine, and lastly there is the laughter at myself. the laughter i have when no one is looking and i mumble odd things to myself and i think i am funny so i laugh my little hahaha laugh just for me.

this laughter is one i'm glad i have and hope i never lose.

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