Thursday, November 11, 2010

sunlight streaming

fissures of light  breaking through the trees

blades of winter grass against my hand

a comfortable silence that simply is

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

"i'm supposed to"

responsibility, obligations, commitment, the list can go on. these words seem to be plaguing me recently. it reminds of the time when i used the term "supposed to". that was my answer when ever someone asked why i was doing something, "because i'm supposed to", but that only led me down a path that was filled with living my life for other people. is that right? is that okay? to live your life for the people around you? to owe them your life? i'm not sure, i don't know, perhaps for some people it's their path to follow, it's their happiness, but still...

 i can look now and see the people that filled my position in those other peoples lives and i sigh, i sigh a great sigh of relief from the depths of my toes, because they saved me. that sigh is the only breathy thanks i can give without waking them from their obligated slumber. inadvertently, the tiny burst of courage that was given to me gave me the ability to move so that someone else, someone more malleable than me could take my vacated seat. 

 thank you courage. thank you malleable person for having the lack of passion for life to be there. to be there with the two kids and the loveless broken marriage. to be the daughter living only to make her parents proud. to be the corporate drone that questions nothing and performs every task with out a question. 

a million sighs to thank you for keeping me from being you. i have to believe that life consists of passion and zeal and optimism, and, and, and... even though these things end. a minute of passion is worth a lifetime of obligation. sigh.

Monday, November 8, 2010


I stared into his eyes from across the table. They were slightly glazed and his pupils were a dilated. Perhaps they were fine and mine were just fuzzy. It really could have been both this far into the evening. I could feel the weight of my eyelids and the tight dryness in my eyes. The lights seemed so bright overhead. I looked down at the counter top and stared at my hand. It seemed much smaller than usual next to his. He was bigger in the only way he could be. I didn’t know exactly what was going to happen, but I knew that I was waiting. Instead of starting the conversation I feigned ignorance and continued to stare at my hand, to stare at anything but his eyes. The silence was quickly broken.
            “So, are you seeing him? You don’t have to lie,” I could feel the weight of his gaze on me.
We sat waiting for our food. It was late 6:30am. The sun was beginning it's embrace over the mountain.
“I didn’t want you to know, is all. Would it make a difference?” I met his gaze this time. I had too. 
He took a deep drag off his cigarette and blew the smoke into my face. He did this when he wanted to be obnoxious. He was succeeding.
“So, are you going to keep seeing him? Or is that it?” 
I knew what he was asking, and even though my head was screaming “No!” my heart spoke before I could stop it. There was no time to weigh the options.
“Why would I keep seeing him?”
Any decision after a long night of drinking is never a good idea, but it seemed right at the time. He smiled at me and I took a drag off my cigarette. This time I blew the smoke in his face.
He cocked his head sideways and looked at me asking .
“What?” and I reached for his hand. 

Friday, November 5, 2010

. . .

. . . there are pieces pieces floating around, trying all to do the same things things. It's an amazing feat what people do, constantly thinking, processing, analyzing, dissecting, interpreting, digressing. . . When life is happening at that moment in front of them the seconds passing passing. It would be a lie if I weren't guilty of the same same. But, there are instances though, where a moment is truly caught, realized, and the pieces somehow fit fit. The puzzle is no longer, and there is a sigh of relief when you realize that you are not alone alone. Then again to thinking, processing, analyzing, dissecting, interpreting, digressing. . .