Tuesday, November 9, 2010

"i'm supposed to"

responsibility, obligations, commitment, the list can go on. these words seem to be plaguing me recently. it reminds of the time when i used the term "supposed to". that was my answer when ever someone asked why i was doing something, "because i'm supposed to", but that only led me down a path that was filled with living my life for other people. is that right? is that okay? to live your life for the people around you? to owe them your life? i'm not sure, i don't know, perhaps for some people it's their path to follow, it's their happiness, but still...

 i can look now and see the people that filled my position in those other peoples lives and i sigh, i sigh a great sigh of relief from the depths of my toes, because they saved me. that sigh is the only breathy thanks i can give without waking them from their obligated slumber. inadvertently, the tiny burst of courage that was given to me gave me the ability to move so that someone else, someone more malleable than me could take my vacated seat. 

 thank you courage. thank you malleable person for having the lack of passion for life to be there. to be there with the two kids and the loveless broken marriage. to be the daughter living only to make her parents proud. to be the corporate drone that questions nothing and performs every task with out a question. 

a million sighs to thank you for keeping me from being you. i have to believe that life consists of passion and zeal and optimism, and, and, and... even though these things end. a minute of passion is worth a lifetime of obligation. sigh.

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