Sunday, July 24, 2011

Fate said Ink

This weekend I got my first tattoo. A small ouroboros behind my left ear. Right now it's black, the skin behind my ear tight and scabbed. I've forgotten its there and accidentally touched it. Shocked, I moved my hand away from the raised skin surprised. Then I remember "Oh yeah..." and I smile a smile for myself.

"Why the ear, man?" 

Because its for me. A small reminder. Since my birthday I've waited to get it. In London, I wanted to get it. And, Friday I left it up to fate. I'll go I thought, and if he can do it, its meant to be. I walked in and fate said ink. Buzz of the needle in surround sound against my ear. I lay staring at the industrial sized Saran Wrap they had on the shelf in front of me. Listening to the buzz.

"Okay, all done." 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Act of Summer

Heat and sticky skin. Gazing up at the sky, but there are no clouds of relief. So we wait, wait until the sun sets and outside the people move around a little easier. A little less sticky. A lot more cool.  At night the cool breeze of the desert gives us some relief. So we can sit on porches and feel the cool breeze kiss our face, our hands, our legs. We can feel the heat that made our day long dissipate, and we can enjoy summer. We can enjoy the kind of summer we remember when we were kids and it meant excitement of what might happen next. Enjoy it even if its just at night, when most things can fall by the wayside, to worry about tomorrow when the sun rises. The act of summer is something sweet, fleeting perhaps, but while it's there you can enjoy it, bask in it, and know that at least for a little while you can let the light feeling from your youth be remembered.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Boy meets Girl that has Girl... Wait What?

Social norms have taught us that relationships are supposed to work in a certain way. Boy meets girl. Boy girl either fall in love or they kick one another to the curb and repeat with different people. Lately though, there has been an influx of unique situations that I've stumbled across. I'm sure the title is a hint of one of them. But, also I've heard about general ones that aren't as unique. Girl loves boy but boy doesn't reciprocate. Neither boy or girl love one another but they're in it, for what reason I'm not sure, and both stay although complaining about the other to confidants. Girl wants to love someone but like shoes can't find the right fit, so she branches out to expand the possible matches. The list of things I've encountered recently can actually go on and on, but I'll stick to these.

I'm not sure if I'll simply loop myself into some sort of pretzel, but this has been rolling around in my head for a bit, and even discussing it with my close confidant didn't seem to suffice. I'm sure that we have all made reference to how simple things were when we were kids, "Do you like me? Circle yes or no", and really I'm starting to think that we had it right. Now things get bogged down with expectations and the realization of how  our actions have an effect on the person we once thought we loved. No one (unless you're a dick) likes to hurt someone else, but does stringing them along work any better?

In my boy meets girl with girl scenario it seems like a guys dream come true right? Wrong, there still is the same jealousy, and the same insecurities that come with being with someone that has someone else. There was no joining on the hot lesbian fun, (well at least not yet), and so far the only thing that has surfaced is the feelings of being under appreciated, and left wondering what the hell? Take this and add in a sprinkle of "I just want to be happy with someone syndrome" and you end up with something we have all felt at one time. I want you, but I'm not sure you want me so I'm going to see where this goes. (adult version of circle yes or no, but somehow we just stopped asking, oh and, people started lying). 

The other two situations kind of go hand in hand. Girl loves boy but boy doesn't love girl, and we're in this and we've been at it for so long, but I stopped being in love with you somewhere between We Don't Talk Ln. and  I'm Bored With Our Lives Ave. Some of the streets crossed along this journey are All We Do Is Argue Blvd. and I Have Been Thinking About Cheating Expwy. I'm not sure what's worse on either of these branches. Girl who stays with someone who doesn't love her in that way any more puts up with things she shouldn't. In hopes of...what I'm not sure. Then the couple that stays together out of obligation maybe? Being in something for years, living together, being all that one another knows, is hard to walk away from, but still. What happened to being happy? When did that fall by the wayside?

Maybe I'm just spinning my circles here. These aren't new questions or problems, but there has just been a flow of them lately, and the only thing that I've seen that is the common denominator in them are the terms obligation, not hurting the other person, and fear. I always thought that being happy should be first? Perhaps that is naive of me, but if so I'll take it. I overheard someone say that they had never been in a relationship that hadn't included one other person. Either they had been cheated on or they were the cheater, and I pondered that, and tried to imagine if that were always the situation I, myself, was in. If I was that guy with the hot lesbian (questionable lesbianism there) that kept me on the side. Would hot lesbian suffice? 

Beginnings are scary, endings are often sad, but it's the middle that counts. When there is no middle in sight, or you've past the middle but aren't willing to admit the end, where do you go? There are 50 million books on the dynamics of relationships, hell, eharmony and match wouldn't be around if they weren't making money, but when did it get so complicated? I want to whisper in these peoples ears and tell them to just pass a note. I mean I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish someone would just do that with me. Yes, a no would sting, but it's like a band aid, quick and easy. If yes, well then, maybe there's a little something here. Before you can start a new chapter you have to finish the last, so I think I should remember this next time someone talks to me about  lesbian girlfriends, and un-reciprocated loves, and unhappy couples, because then it just turns into a hot mess that no one wants a part of....