Sunday, April 3, 2011

Piece of Rough

The sun was streaming in through long sun yellow drapes. I laid with my back towards the window the weight of his body making me sink further into the red overstuffed cushions. My chest was his pillow and his arms cradled the side of my body. We were both turned towards the T.V. watching 3:10 to Yuma. I didn't like westerns, but he insisted it was a great movie. I was beginning to dose when I felt his lips against mine.

"You're not supposed to be sleeping, you're supposed to be watching the movie," he mumbled against my lips.

"But I'm so comfortable."

I nuzzled his bottom lip with my own.

"You watch the movie, I'll take a little nap," I said stifling a yawn.

I scooted further down on the couch. The curve of my back becoming parallel with the couch. His long legs hung over the arm rest, but he stayed where he was. I ran my fingers up the back of his shaggy brown hair and  let them rest on his neck. I could feel my eyes beginning to droop again. They felt heavy each blink seeming harder and harder to reopen. The drone from the air conditioner was the white noise lulling me to sleep, while his body's warmth blanketed me from the cool air. Each breath I took got me closer and closer to the nap my body seemed to need.

"I love you."

My breath stopped short, 3:10 to Yuma was in the middle of a gun fight, and my sleepy comfort had just disappeared. I scooted up my back forming the question mark that must have been mirrored on my face. He looked back at me, his blue eyes clear in their meaning.

"I mean it you know. I know its soon, but I do. All I have to do to feel happy is look into your eyes and I know."

Still I stared into his eyes knowing that he believed what he was saying. Still I stared back not knowing what to say. Still I stared back not knowing how long I could wait before I had to say something.

I saw his face getting closer to mine and felt the press of his lips. My lips kissed back half heartedly and I thought surely he knew something was wrong. He stopped kissing me, but kept his face close. His eyes boring into mine. My mouth felt dry and I tried to swallow. I also saw when the bright light dimmed from my lack of answer.

"It's okay, you don't have to say anything. I just needed you to know."

I heard the words as they left his lips, but knew that he didn't mean them.

"I care about you. I do," I cupped the side of his face, my hand cradling his unshaven face. "But, I'm not there yet. I don't know when I will be. I love you. I'm just not in love with you. But, I do. I love you Chris."

I felt like the more I said it, the better it would sound. But, even as the words kept coming I knew that I had lost my way and perhaps would have been better off  not saying anything. The light was not coming back, and I had done that. I didn't know what else to do, so I pulled his face towards mine. I kissed him and felt the mirror reluctance of my previous kiss. I kissed him harder hoping that maybe I could kiss away all the words that had just been said. Slowly he began to respond. I fisted my fingers into his hair and wrapped my legs around his hips pulling him closer. Its the only thing I could do. The only thing I knew how to do.

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