The silence is an odd thing that can fill a room or fit into your hand. It can be the presence on your chest as you try to get words out that aren't yet formulated in your mind. All the while your mind is steering you towards keeping that presence on your chest, keeping that silence, because no matter how eloquently worded it still loses it's meaning. It loses its meaning and turns into that silence that lets you know that your mind was correct in directing you to refrain. So what kind of shape is it? Its ambiguity is what makes it unique. It's what makes the difference between a smile and tears. The silence is something that you can wrap yourself in, a quiet blanket of solitude that simply is, and it can leave you in a room filled with people feeling achy and alone. It's ambiguity gives it the loveliness of a doubled edged sword that you hope will always be held by the hilt and your hand doesn't slip. For me, the silence, even at its loveliest moment when I have nothing but the companionship of my own breath, is the shape of the unknown, another ambiguous being that shrinks and grows and fades and looms and taunts and loves and fucks like nothing else...
My grandma, Ita, called me Prieta. She called me this because my skin is toasted brown. When I was born my mom says I was light skinned, but she knew “que iba ser morena” because the inside of my little baby thighs were already darker than the rest of me. In the sun, I turn a darker brown. I get even more Prieta. It was a term of endearment. My sister, who has a light complexion, was called guera or guerinchi. When I tell people who don’t speak Spanish what Prieta means, dark or the dark one, their eyes open wide and a small gasp escapes. I see the offense they feel for me sprinkled on their faces like the freckles I will never have. When I try to explain, the offense still shadows their eyes. That is the problem with Spanish. Wait, maybe, that is their problem with Spanish. Even when I explain, they are suspicious. Their faces ask, “Is this true?” as if I am setting them up for a joke. But how can I explain the cultural and literal meaning of a word at the same time?
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