Monday, January 17, 2011

the signs they're everywhere...

gazing up into the inky black of night and the tiny pinholes of light that break through is one of my favorite things to do. simply lying back preferably against the soft cushion of green grass and staring, breathing, the only thing that i can hear is my own heartbeat in rhythm with the soft inhalation and exhalation of my breath. i gaze and draw imaginary lines between them creating my own constellations, that i name simple names such as tree, and heart, and starfish. tomorrow i won't remember where they are and i'll have to start all over again, but for today tree, heart, and starfish are mine. 

there is more to these pinholes of light. they are too cosmic and mysterious for them to simply just be. 

there is something about this moment i love so much. this moment that i allow my mind to wonder with thoughts that change as quickly as my gaze shifts from star to star. and as i look at them and try to decipher the message i believe they are trying to give me i see the signs. the signs that my mind tries to link together for some kind of answer. each one is there to give me some hint of direction. a falling star catches my breath and i make a wish. a wish that i hope will come true. 

as i lay there i realize that i am a mirror for one of these stars. in the billions of stars that fill the sky i am one of many many many people perhaps doing the same thing i am doing at the moment. a star for every person doesn't seem so far fetched of an idea. stars die as well...don't they? 

so, as i lay back with the smell of green earth filling my nose i try to be. simply be for a moment even as i try to decipher what the world  is whispering to me at the moment. and between the quiet phrases of, "don't go, stay. walk away. be open to it. you can do it. be patient. love him. stop putting up a wall. write, then write more. she knows you miss her." i calm myself. and the world stops to whisper so many answers to me at once. and i breathe and i breathe and i find my mirror even with my eyes closed and i get my answer. 

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